I very recently realised that even though I actively tell myself to self love, that I will my body and brain to stop being so mean, I don’t do this for others often enough.
Let me explain.
I have always struggled with body/self esteem issues. Years of being one of the tallest, roundest and softest persons in the room made me harsh on the person I saw in the mirror. I saw her as ugly and weird in so many ways. Too fat, too loud, too confident, too tall. She was always missing something when I looked at her.
Then, because of my friend and lifelong soul sister; and together with a whole lot of personal mess I had to drag myself through (that I cannot even begin to explain here), I found acceptance for the girl in the mirror. She was, I told myself, lacking but oh so beautiful because of it. She was a work in progress that became even more endearing with each day. She was an example of dedication, passion and life – all things that are not perfect but we learn not to complain about. So, I took it upon myself to tell her that she was beautiful every time I saw her. I found that the mirror was a place that I could pause and smile because of the moments when I saw her and reminded her that I loved her. That even if nobody else loved her, I did and that’s all that mattered. So, I learnt to love the girl in the mirror.
What I didn’t realise was that I subconsciously shifted that judgment at the mirror to the people in front of me. Because I actively told myself to love myself, somehow, at some point, my brain learned to stop judging the girl in the mirror and start judging the women that reminded me of her. The women that reminded me of me. Girls that I also thought were too fat, too loud, too tall or too confident. Girls that I identified with and recognised. Girls that were like me in a little or a lot of ways. My human mirrors. I didn’t even register it at first. I didn’t catch that internal monologue and what it meant or where it came from. In my defense, it didn’t last long. Generally, my initial judgments of people don’t stick, especially when I experience them on a personal level. So, if I met a girl who I thought at first glance needed to lose some weight or should stop being so loud, that was quickly forgotten once I got to know her.
And so, it went on like this until I recently. I was at a group workshop thing at one of my university student societies when I met a woman who I plan to keep in touch with for a long time. My first thought when I saw her was, “wow, she’s bigger than me and taller than me” – and not in the nice way. I actually found myself not wanting to interact with her at all because well, she was “just not my type”. Her smile was like mine – she also has a gap between her two front teeth. Her hair, kinky and coily like mine, her body, soft and round – just like mine. Ironic right? Fast forward an hour later and our paths forcibly crossed. She sat in front of me, assigned to give us undergrads advice as an alumni. Advice no less! I was skeptical. But I’m open and I’m a people’s person right? So I listened. This lady like me began to speak and my judgements were shattered 5 minutes in. My body responded too – I instinctively moved closer to her to catch every word she said. My head bounced up and down as I agreed with her views. My brows furrowed and my throat hummed as I let out an impassioned “Mmmm, yes!” and “so true!” as she spoke. I was shook. I was inspired.
When it was time to leave and I bumped into her on my way home, I told her how much I loved her work, how I wanted to see her again and how we must meet again soon. I walked out, proud and happy with the events of the day, my thoughts casting back to when I first saw her. “And to think I didn’t like her in the beginning”, I chuckled to myself. But then I thought, why didn’t I like her from the beginning?
It hit me hard when it dawned on me. Because she’s my human mirror. Because she’s like me and because I’m like her. Because I saw a part of myself in her, and mind you, I only saw the physical part first. She hadn’t even said anything to me but I just looked at her and resolved that I didn’t like. But, when I stopped focusing on her body and actually heard, my mind was changed because we were so alike.
It breaks my heart to have discovered this. I thought I had made progress. I thought my mirror was a safe place for me. Yet, I was good to the mirror with an audience of one. My human mirror, where one plus one equals two, cracked under the weight of an deeper reflection. I stopped myself from inflicting personal pain but relished in placing it on others. Instead of truly accepting myself I transferred my hate from my personal mirror to my human mirrors – I just got better at lying to my own face.
Still, I am proud of myself to have discovered this. It was a moment I will never forget. One of those moments of absolute clarity and honesty that unhinges you but also centres you at the same time. I don’t know what other mess I have to drag myself through. I don’t know what the process will be this time but I remember that the first journey was hard. I had to trust God in changing my heart and anchor my love for myself in my identity in Christ, my belief in my potential and my knowledge of the truth – that nothing and no one in this world is perfect. That process was hard. And I bet this next one will be harder.
It’s interesting how just when you think the journey is almost over, you come round the bend and you see another mountain you have to climb. Still, I will trust in the process. It will find me and I will find it. Either way, I know that I will learn to love both myself and others even more after I’m in the end.
Till next time,
Linet
Loquacious Living 