My heart beats for you.
With every contraction of my heart muscle
Your name flows through my blood vessels
Cut me now and I bleed you
Etched on the deepest recesses of my mind,
Your name escapes my lips, subconsciously, I can’t help but let it slip
I meditate on your memory and flatter myself with potent vanity
That your smile was meant for me
I just may be going crazy but my memory is far from hazy.
The moments we shared together, so pure and simple, forever I shall remember.
I am content.
That this is what was and will never be
Like a flash of lightning, we had a spark that flashed bright
But then it disappeared only to leave night
The hand that touched mine, platonic in intent,
Made my heart skip a beat and my breath rush in gasps through the vent of my lungs.
Yet it was not mine to hold
And you are not mine to love
I guess then, we were not meant to be
That smile that dances on your lips
Those hands that caress your hips
The joy that shines in your eyes
The warmth that encircles where you lie
That should have been mine
The plans you make to forever
The fingers that hold yours together
The memories you make each night
The words that make your heart take flight
Those should have been mine
The girl you become in his arms
The heart you hold in your palms
The time you spend in his embrace
The picture of you at his place
That should have been me
The hardest thing about trying to forget someone is suppressing the memories. How do you stop thinking about someone when almost everything you encounter in life triggers one memory or another starring the very person you’re trying to forget?
For me, it’s certain songs that make me smile when I hear them because once upon a time, we listened to it together, danced to that beat, or shared a lyric.
Or for instance, a word…someone utters it innocently and suddenly my mind is flooded with his face.
A while back, I wrote of the advantages of friend zone over boyfriends. I was complacent, naive maybe, of the power of honest-to-God, no-walls friendship. It affects the heart. Makes you experience intimacy. Emotional intimacy. That is how I fell for my best guy friend. I fell for my Tim. And it sucks coz he didn’t fall for me.
The recurring thought in my mind is “how could he not see it?”. In my head, we’re perfect for each other. We just fit like a jigsaw puzzle. I get him and he gets me. Unless I imagined it all. Was I delusional in my musings that we would conquer the world with our combined power of honesty and mutual respect for each other? Did I really just conjure it all up?
Or maybe he just doesn’t see me that way…like a potential girlfriend. And that hurts the most. Like it’s an inconceivable notion for him to be attracted to me. Am I not good enough?
So many questions. So much sadness. The worst part is that I lost two things: a friend, and a possible future with said friend. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I should have kept my heart in check. But in hindsight, considering all the late night chats and the shared dreams, did I ever stand a chance?
Till next time,
I lie awake dissecting all the moments we had…over and over again with painstaking detail. And for a moment the pain goes and in its place, the love that I so foolishly thought we shared consumes me.
And then I remember. You love her. Not me. Even though I’ve been here from the start. I’ve always been here. Did you not see me standing here all this time?