The Mirror

I very recently realised that even though I actively tell myself to self love – that I will my body to act in defense of me – that I force my lips to rise and my eyes to see good – I don’t do this for others often enough.

Let me explain. Continue reading

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The Prospect of Falling In Love

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I hate that term. Why must I fall? Can I not walk, if not run into, at or through love? Falling happens when you lose balance. You lose control of your core and your body weight shifts causing you to end up somewhere you didn’t intend to be – usually the floor. Should the doing verb in the this widely used term describe something that we naturally have no control over? Is love that powerful to take control of our beings and cause us to end up where we don’t intend to?

Furthermore, if I fall in, can I not fall out of love. Yes, I can – many people do. It’s why we have so many instances of break ups and divorces. That infamous movie line, “I’m not in love with you any more”… Should love be something we can choose to be in and out of at will? I bet many will argue that it is not planned, the in and out ‘just happens’, or that ‘people change’. Yes, people change. But, shouldn’t your love change with you too? Grow? Develop? Expand. Slowly, gradually, layer by layer until it begins to have a life and breath of its own with so many facets and personalities that it’s infinitely different from what it began as.

That love. That layered, nuanced, rich, fat and flavourful love. That’s what I want.

No. Please don’t fall for me, want me, be happy when you’re with me, fall in love with me. Please don’t. Please choose to love me. Find me, discover me, decide to say yes, and please keep saying yes continuously. That kind of love – the conscious and thought of love. A sure love. That’s what I want. That’s what I hope for.

” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…

1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8 (NIV)

My decisions and beliefs on what love is are based on what I read in the bible. Love is a choice, sustained by living in the Holy Spirit, dying to self and choosing (daily) to love not only your spouse but all those around you. By learning about and hoping to be more like Christ, through the strength of the Holy Spirit, I believe I can choose love consistently. And even though I may not always succeed because I am a sinner incapable of pleasing God in my own strength, I rejoice in the promise of the grace and mercy of my saviour and Lord who loves me unconditionally and teaches me to love others unconditionally as well.

Till next time,

Linet

A Letter to the Girl I used to Love

Dear Girl I Used To Love,

You are the girl that gets the guy. I don’t know if you know this, or maybe you do, but you have this super power of getting men to love you. Heck, your powers work on women too – like it worked on me. You are simply irresistible. You’re smart, funny and remarkably unapologetic. Your legs are long, your eyes wide and your smile incredibly bright. In fact, I’ve heard from one of the guys you bewitched that he fell for you the minute you smiled. I may have fallen for you too in the exact same way. It’s hard to tell exactly but I know why I stayed in love with you for a while. You have confidence like I’ve never seen
before. You’re so sure of yourself and you don’t have time for losers. So when you give anyone even a glimpse in their direction, they feel like they’re something. Like they’re not losers. That’s how I felt anyway. I wonder if that’s how the guys that fall for you feel too…

Now, this thing you have with your eyes…this charm. It definitely worked on my first love. My only love to be precise. I gave him my heart willingly, honestly and wholly – he was the first man I ever did so for. He was the one who knew my fears, the one who picked me up when I fell. He was my company at 3 am and my loneliness at 12 pm. He was my friend, my Tim. We were never romantically involved. That was to come later. That was my future. I was so sure that we he was my future. I guess I was wrong.

Now, I don’t blame him for falling for you instead. I know why he did. He did so because you’re an uncrdible human being – no doubt about that. Instead, I blame you for making him fall for you. You knew how I felt about him. You knew that I gave him my heart. I told you so. You knew. Is that why you had to do it? Is that why he perked your interest? You knew what he meant to me. Did you want him to mean the same to you?

It’s okay that he loves you though. I did too at some point. But you need to understand that you traded my love for his the minute you thought ‘I want him’. I know why you love him too. He’s perfect. Otherwise, I wouldn’t love him as I do now. But we can’t both love him and we can’t both want him. One girl gets the guy and like I said, that’s you. I’m not mad he chose you either. I was before but I’m not anymore. I can’t compete with you. I never stood a chance. And I bet you knew this.

So instead, I chose to let him go. I chose to love him enough to let him go. I mean, what is the point of hanging on to an umbrella that keeps blowing in the wind in the opposite direction? I let you have him and I let him have you. I loved both of you enough to give you that little piece of happiness. But I can’t let you have me too. I love myself too much to let you have me too.

You see, it still hurts. Not because I let him go, but because when I look at him, I don’t see my future. I see yours. There’s nothing worse than looking at an image that you know is off but being powerless to change it. That’s how I see him now – he’s still the same man I fell for, yet he’s different now. He’s not mine anymore. Maybe he never was and I was too stupid to notice…to think otherwise.

Either way, I grieve for the possibilities lost, for the moments written in the sands of time that were wiped away before I could see them. I grieve for the loss of surety. I was once so sure of where I was headed. The path of my life seemed etched deeply into the grounds of my heart, blatantly visible. Now I don’t know where to place my feet anymore.

I know I’m supposed to be a ‘good person’. You apologised. I believe you expected me to let it go afterwards. But you know, I already have let it go. I already forgave you. Truly, I did. But forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetfulness. It doesn’t mean we get to go back to square one. Things have changed now. I cannot just rewind the tape. It’s not that simple – you see, you  can’t erase the moment when trust was lost. That’s too monumental an event to wipe away. That’s one for the record books.

So instead, I will move on with dignity. I will love you, and him, with full intent and purpose. I will wish you the very best in life. The very best in your future. But most importantly, I will continue with mine.

Your friend from before,

L

I Am Content

My heart beats for you.
With every contraction of my heart muscle
Your name flows through my blood vessels
Cut me now and I bleed you

Etched on the deepest recesses of my mind,
Your name escapes my lips, subconsciously, I can’t help but let it slip
I meditate on your memory and flatter myself with potent vanity
That your smile was meant for me
I just may be going crazy but my memory is far from hazy.
The moments we shared together, so pure and simple, forever I shall remember.   

I am content.
That this is what was and will never be
Like a flash of lightning, we had a spark that flashed bright
But then it disappeared only to leave night
The hand that touched mine, platonic in intent,
Made my heart skip a beat and my breath rush in gasps through the vent of my lungs.
Yet it was not mine to hold
And you are not mine to love
I guess then, we were not meant to be

The Beauty of Redemption

Redemption. Defined as the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.

The world brims with agents of malpractice
Of pirates, plunderers and persistent wrongdoers.
There is no soul, no not one
To claim innocence for error all have done

Think of a toddler, wide eyed and pure
Radiant with youth, untainted and true.
Yet there comes a time the child will lie
The words of false from his mouth will fly
So easy it seems to come to this
The loss of truth, of joy and peace

Yes, all have sinned both great and small
None can stand free of brawl

But even in the dark corners of earth
There is light and hope of new birth
For in us we hold the power of pardon
To hold a brother in esteem once more
What a wondrous thing should man choose to live
Strolling down the path named ‘forgive’
Such bliss awaits for those who choose, to search foremost a state of truce
The patient embrace of the wise and loving
Whom comprehend the art of giving

For I have known that special touch
To be found free even when in guilt I plea
A mind bending witness of selfless act
My soul sings when I recall, the instance of love exact

Should we not all strive to be free,
Of the endless black we often see?
Together let’s aim for hearts of gold
That race to keep friends in a fiece hold

Jealous

That smile that dances on your lips
Those hands that caress your hips
The joy that shines in your eyes
The warmth that encircles where you lie
That should have been mine

The plans you make to forever
The fingers that hold yours together
The memories you make each night
The words that make your heart take flight
Those should have been mine

The girl you become in his arms
The heart you hold in your palms
The time you spend in his embrace
The picture of you at his place
That should have been me

Looking for Distractions

The hardest thing about trying to forget someone is suppressing the memories. How do you stop thinking about someone when almost everything you encounter in life triggers one memory or another starring the very person you’re trying to forget?

For me, it’s certain songs that make me smile when I hear them because once upon a time, we listened to it together, danced to that beat, or shared a lyric.
Or for instance, a word…someone utters it innocently and suddenly my mind is flooded with his face.

A while back, I wrote of the advantages of friend zone over boyfriends. I was complacent, naive maybe, of the power of honest-to-God, no-walls friendship. It affects the heart. Makes you experience intimacy. Emotional intimacy. That is how I fell for my best guy friend. I fell for my Tim. And it sucks coz he didn’t fall for me.

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The recurring thought in my mind is “how could he not see it?”. In my head, we’re perfect for each other. We just fit like a jigsaw puzzle. I get him and he gets me. Unless I imagined it all. Was I delusional in my musings that we would conquer the world with our combined power of honesty and mutual respect for each other? Did I really just conjure it all up?

Or maybe he just doesn’t see me that way…like a potential girlfriend. And that hurts the most. Like it’s an inconceivable notion for him to be attracted to me. Am I not good enough?
So many questions. So much sadness. The worst part is that I lost two things: a friend, and a possible future with said friend. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I should have kept my heart in check. But in hindsight, considering all the late night chats and the shared dreams, did I ever stand a chance?

Till next time,

Linet