Looking for Distractions

The hardest thing about trying to forget someone is suppressing the memories. How do you stop thinking about someone when almost everything you encounter in life triggers one memory or another starring the very person you’re trying to forget?

For me, it’s certain songs that make me smile when I hear them because once upon a time, we listened to it together, danced to that beat, or shared a lyric.
Or for instance, a word…someone utters it innocently and suddenly my mind is flooded with his face.

A while back, I wrote of the advantages of friend zone over boyfriends. I was complacent, naive maybe, of the power of honest-to-God, no-walls friendship. It affects the heart. Makes you experience intimacy. Emotional intimacy. That is how I fell for my best guy friend. I fell for my Tim. And it sucks coz he didn’t fall for me.

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The recurring thought in my mind is “how could he not see it?”. In my head, we’re perfect for each other. We just fit like a jigsaw puzzle. I get him and he gets me. Unless I imagined it all. Was I delusional in my musings that we would conquer the world with our combined power of honesty and mutual respect for each other? Did I really just conjure it all up?

Or maybe he just doesn’t see me that way…like a potential girlfriend. And that hurts the most. Like it’s an inconceivable notion for him to be attracted to me. Am I not good enough?
So many questions. So much sadness. The worst part is that I lost two things: a friend, and a possible future with said friend. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I should have kept my heart in check. But in hindsight, considering all the late night chats and the shared dreams, did I ever stand a chance?

Till next time,

Linet

Reminiscing

Firstly, I must apologize. It has been way too long since I have posted anything on my blog *hides face*. There is no excuse that I could possibly conjure that would make me not writing sooner okay, especially since I use writing as my release. Could that possibly explain the tough times I’ve been dealing with lately? I guess that’s a story for another day!

Moving right along, I recently came across an old journal/notebook. In it, I found some poems I wrote when I was 16 years old or so, hopelessly head-over-heels-in-crush with a guy friend of mine. It was an innocent teenage crush born out of pure adoration for him. However, when he found out my more-than-just-friends feelings for him, things headed down south. It was the first time I had my heart broken and I learnt the true meaning of: “I see your true colours shining through”. Needless to say, the crush fizzled out quickly afterwards.

I am no poet. I merely use words to communicate my thoughts and emotions…wait, that kind of makes me a pot after all right?Anyway, I digress. I wrote two poems, both with similar themes. They outline the journey my heart travelled during that time. Here they are.

The Path of Love…

A handshake, a smile, a laugh

A word, a whisper, a sigh

A hug, a touch, a caress

A stroke, A kiss, a taste

A day, a month, a year

A look, a word, A tear.

Reminiscing

For a moment I remember…

I remember, I relive and re-enact

I remember the laughter, the joy, the feeling.

The glint in your eyes, the smile on your lips,

The warmth in your voice, the softness of your touch

For a moment I forget…

I forget, I evade, I ignore

I ignore the sadness, the pain, the heartbreak

The web of lies, the scars of hurt and the sting of betrayal,

The broken pieces, the bleeding wounds upon my heart.

I remember and forget, only and always, 

For a moment.

Till next time,

Linet

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I arrived home today for my mid semester vacation at around 2 15 pm. As I disembarked the plane, the sun shone brightly, sending rays of warmth that are unusual for this time of the year. It’s like the sun was smiling down at me, copying the expression on my face. As I wheeled my small green suitcase behind me, I could feel my excitement growing.

I would love to say I was met by my parents, brother, and sister, all grinning and waving as I came through the arrivals lounge but that is not the case. They have lives. My sister is going through what I just finished. Her end of semester exams are in full force right now and my arrival is more like a gift from heaven for her (less dishes for her to wash). My little brother on the other hand is occupied with primary school related activities – think rugby games and music lessons. I was picked up by my slightly late dad and that was more than enough for me 🙂

The hour long ride home from the airport was not fun though. Talking about my future is always something that I don’t welcome. Maybe it’s because I have no idea what path I want to take with my life after University. Right now my focus is on one thing: get this degree. However, that is proving to be quite a mission. I really need to dig down even deeper and find motivation to finish what I started. On the bright side, I’m learning an extremely valuable life lesson at UCT – how to get back up when life knocks me down. It’s been a rough 2 years and I’ve got two more to go and I really want to see this thing to the end.

So, after having a surprisingly soul bearing and completely honest conversation with my father, we pulled up in front of the gate. Then, my dad pulls out his gate keys, hands them to me and says “Well, you’re home now so you better start acting like it”. Translation, go open the gate. Some things never change 😀

I had actually never opened the gate before. New house, new discoveries 🙂
As I wrestled my luggage out the car, with the help of my dad, my sister walked out the house, knife in hand exclaiming, “fair warning, we’re not making you anything special for dinner!”. Just like that, the playful teasing and light banter began. I swear, my family is amazing at small talk! We can go for hours talking about the most random things, laughing and joking together. It’s quite beautiful.

Once I stepped into the house, it was mayhem! I barely had time to walk into my bedroom when my brother hugged/tackled me onto the bed. What a greeting! 😀 He plays rugby and I have a feeling there’s more of those to come during my time home.

As the noise escalated and the hugs went around multiple times, I found myself taking off my shoes and settling down for an update on the latest news and gossip from extended family and friends. My mom gabbed away as she rolled chapati expertly while my sister sat on the kitchen counter periodically contributing to the stories. My brother went off to play some sort of computer game like any normal 11 year old. Once in a while he’d walk in to excitedly show me something – like how he had grown about 4 cm in 1 month and how he could make music with water and a wine glass. Then he would disappear again.

As I sat there, joking, laughing and mercilessly teasing my sister, I felt my troubles seep away. The tension of exams, the worries of assignments, projects and GPA were momentarily forgotten. In that moment, I was content. My heart sang and my eyes danced with laughter. In that moment I was happy 🙂

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love my family 🙂 I really do. They are not perfect and at times I really wish certain things were different. However, I undoubtedly and unequivocally love these people. And, it’s in these little moments, those spent sitting on kitchen counter tops or lounging on the bed that I remember that.

Till next time,

Linet

This is how much I love my family, especially my little brother :)

This is how much I love my family, especially my little brother 🙂