A Letter to the Girl I used to Love

Dear Girl I Used To Love,

You are the girl that gets the guy. I don’t know if you know this, or maybe you do, but you have this super power of getting men to love you. Heck, your powers work on women too – like it worked on me. You are simply irresistible. You’re smart, funny and remarkably unapologetic. Your legs are long, your eyes wide and your smile incredibly bright. In fact, I’ve heard from one of the guys you bewitched that he fell for you the minute you smiled. I may have fallen for you too in the exact same way. It’s hard to tell exactly but I know why I stayed in love with you for a while. You have confidence like I’ve never seen
before. You’re so sure of yourself and you don’t have time for losers. So when you give anyone even a glimpse in their direction, they feel like they’re something. Like they’re not losers. That’s how I felt anyway. I wonder if that’s how the guys that fall for you feel too…

Now, this thing you have with your eyes…this charm. It definitely worked on my first love. My only love to be precise. I gave him my heart willingly, honestly and wholly – he was the first man I ever did so for. He was the one who knew my fears, the one who picked me up when I fell. He was my company at 3 am and my loneliness at 12 pm. He was my friend, my Tim. We were never romantically involved. That was to come later. That was my future. I was so sure that we he was my future. I guess I was wrong.

Now, I don’t blame him for falling for you instead. I know why he did. He did so because you’re an uncrdible human being – no doubt about that. Instead, I blame you for making him fall for you. You knew how I felt about him. You knew that I gave him my heart. I told you so. You knew. Is that why you had to do it? Is that why he perked your interest? You knew what he meant to me. Did you want him to mean the same to you?

It’s okay that he loves you though. I did too at some point. But you need to understand that you traded my love for his the minute you thought ‘I want him’. I know why you love him too. He’s perfect. Otherwise, I wouldn’t love him as I do now. But we can’t both love him and we can’t both want him. One girl gets the guy and like I said, that’s you. I’m not mad he chose you either. I was before but I’m not anymore. I can’t compete with you. I never stood a chance. And I bet you knew this.

So instead, I chose to let him go. I chose to love him enough to let him go. I mean, what is the point of hanging on to an umbrella that keeps blowing in the wind in the opposite direction? I let you have him and I let him have you. I loved both of you enough to give you that little piece of happiness. But I can’t let you have me too. I love myself too much to let you have me too.

You see, it still hurts. Not because I let him go, but because when I look at him, I don’t see my future. I see yours. There’s nothing worse than looking at an image that you know is off but being powerless to change it. That’s how I see him now – he’s still the same man I fell for, yet he’s different now. He’s not mine anymore. Maybe he never was and I was too stupid to notice…to think otherwise.

Either way, I grieve for the possibilities lost, for the moments written in the sands of time that were wiped away before I could see them. I grieve for the loss of surety. I was once so sure of where I was headed. The path of my life seemed etched deeply into the grounds of my heart, blatantly visible. Now I don’t know where to place my feet anymore.

I know I’m supposed to be a ‘good person’. You apologised. I believe you expected me to let it go afterwards. But you know, I already have let it go. I already forgave you. Truly, I did. But forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetfulness. It doesn’t mean we get to go back to square one. Things have changed now. I cannot just rewind the tape. It’s not that simple – you see, you  can’t erase the moment when trust was lost. That’s too monumental an event to wipe away. That’s one for the record books.

So instead, I will move on with dignity. I will love you, and him, with full intent and purpose. I will wish you the very best in life. The very best in your future. But most importantly, I will continue with mine.

Your friend from before,

L

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