The hardest thing about trying to forget someone is suppressing the memories. How do you stop thinking about someone when almost everything you encounter in life triggers one memory or another starring the very person you’re trying to forget?
For me, it’s certain songs that make me smile when I hear them because once upon a time, we listened to it together, danced to that beat, or shared a lyric.
Or for instance, a word…someone utters it innocently and suddenly my mind is flooded with his face.
A while back, I wrote of the advantages of friend zone over boyfriends. I was complacent, naive maybe, of the power of honest-to-God, no-walls friendship. It affects the heart. Makes you experience intimacy. Emotional intimacy. That is how I fell for my best guy friend. I fell for my Tim. And it sucks coz he didn’t fall for me.
The recurring thought in my mind is “how could he not see it?”. In my head, we’re perfect for each other. We just fit like a jigsaw puzzle. I get him and he gets me. Unless I imagined it all. Was I delusional in my musings that we would conquer the world with our combined power of honesty and mutual respect for each other? Did I really just conjure it all up?
Or maybe he just doesn’t see me that way…like a potential girlfriend. And that hurts the most. Like it’s an inconceivable notion for him to be attracted to me. Am I not good enough?
So many questions. So much sadness. The worst part is that I lost two things: a friend, and a possible future with said friend. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I should have kept my heart in check. But in hindsight, considering all the late night chats and the shared dreams, did I ever stand a chance?
Till next time,